The Situation For Children
Women who take the step and come to a women's shelter in most cases leave behind an extended period of permanent violence and abuse. Usually they only ask for help when the violent situation has escalated and become unbearable. Their children had to live with abusive and for them unpredictable family members, they were isolated within their family, their personal boundaries and their right to safety and love were violated frequently.
They witnessed, watched or had to listen to the violent behavior their dad (or the mother's partner) inflicted on their mom. In our experience mothers tend to underestimate how much of the violence their children notice. The father's violent behavior against the mother and often the child's sisters and brothers has severe consequences on its psychological and emotional development even when it is not the physical target of the abuser:
Children are afraid for their mother. Children, even little kids, feel vulnerable and exposed when they experience their father's violent behavior and their mother's helplessness. They often blame themselves for the violent behavior, especially when the child has been an issue of parental arguments.
Sometimes children try to intervene and protect their mother. At BORA Women's Shelter kids often tell how they had to "save" their mom.
The children are torn between their feelings. Often they love the "good" daddy who might have played with them and cuddled them, but they hate the "bad", violent daddy.
They are torn between conflicting loyalties, on the one side the "bad", but powerful and at times even admired daddy, on the other side the weak and helpless mom. This particular conflict affects boys and girls in different ways.
Children who had to witness or overhear their mother's physical abuse very often exhibit irregular behavioral patterns and obvious problems in their psychological and emotional development. The kids in BORA Women's Shelter often have been victims of violence and/ or sexual abuse themselves.
They witnessed, watched or had to listen to the violent behavior their dad (or the mother's partner) inflicted on their mom. In our experience mothers tend to underestimate how much of the violence their children notice. The father's violent behavior against the mother and often the child's sisters and brothers has severe consequences on its psychological and emotional development even when it is not the physical target of the abuser:
Children are afraid for their mother. Children, even little kids, feel vulnerable and exposed when they experience their father's violent behavior and their mother's helplessness. They often blame themselves for the violent behavior, especially when the child has been an issue of parental arguments.
Sometimes children try to intervene and protect their mother. At BORA Women's Shelter kids often tell how they had to "save" their mom.
The children are torn between their feelings. Often they love the "good" daddy who might have played with them and cuddled them, but they hate the "bad", violent daddy.
They are torn between conflicting loyalties, on the one side the "bad", but powerful and at times even admired daddy, on the other side the weak and helpless mom. This particular conflict affects boys and girls in different ways.
Children who had to witness or overhear their mother's physical abuse very often exhibit irregular behavioral patterns and obvious problems in their psychological and emotional development. The kids in BORA Women's Shelter often have been victims of violence and/ or sexual abuse themselves.
- After years of having their own boundaries violated the children have problems setting boundaries and respecting their own and other peoples boundaries.
- Children who became witnesses or victims of sexual violence are confronted with feelings of helplessness, shame and guilt.
- Children are afraid that the mother, their sisters and brothers, or they themselves could be seriously injured or killed.
- Children stand between their parents. They experience a strong sense of helplessness as they cannot change the abusive situation which for them is extremely difficult to endure.
- Both parents try to influence the child in their interest and to set the child against the other parent.
- When children realize that their parents argue about them they blame themselves for the abusive family situation.
- Children are put under heavy pressure by both or one parent, for example when they are told not to tell anybody what is going on at home.
- Children are hit, kicked, sexually abused, screamed at, threatened, humiliated, blackmailed.
- Rarely is there someone the children can talk to. Most often they have to deal with their experiences on their own.
- Children feel torn because they love both their parents.