Working With Kids
Life in the women's shelter is a new and unfamiliar situation for children. It is important that somebody is there for them to talk to and help them accommodate to their new surroundings.
In BORA Women's Shelter one specific staff member trained in child education is assigned to each kid. This staff member is responsible for the child as long as s/he stays in the shelter, she cares for her/him and keeps close contact with the mother.
During at least four afternoons of the week supervised group activities for kids of each age group take place. There the children find friends, get to know everyday life in the shelter, forget their troubles, and have fun.
Children from diverse cultural backgrounds live in the shelter. The staff takes great interest in the children's daily life and encourages them to share their different cultural and family backgrounds with the group. Here the children learn of the diverse life-styles, languages, holidays, and songs of different cultures which are all honored equally. They also learn that other children, too, experienced violence in their families, and that violence is nowhere acceptable.
The main focus of the counseling session is on "conflict work".
Violence as a solution to conflicts among the children is not tolerated. When children become violent their behavior is discussed in context with the abusive behavior in their family. The counselors present to the children ways of solving conflict with non-violent means based on reconciliation, agreements and mutual respect.
Children can also talk to counselors individually, and sometimes they are more likely to express personal fears and distress in one-on-one sessions.
The staff discusses questions of child-raising with the mothers. They help the mothers to better understand what their kids are going through.
The BORA shelter staff offers assistance when there are problems with child custody and visiting rights, with alimony and child benefit claims. Also they help the children to get used to new schools and day-care centers, and with planning and preparing for the children's holidays as well as with finding the right club or recreational activities. (Books and games can be checked out in the kids' area).
Since the enactment of the new Filiation Law ("Kindschaftsrechts") questions of child custody and visiting rights have become a main focus of the work in the BORA Women's Shelter.
The new law makes it harder for the mother to be granted sole custody to her children. The law is based on the premise of the child's right to relations with both parents. Thus in divorce or separation cases joint custody as a rule is to be continued. But even when the abusive father is declared unfit to care for the child and the court grants the mother sole custody, this often means generous visiting rights for the father.
The new law presupposes the parents' ability and willingness to come to a mutual, private agreement and take mutual responsibility for the good of their child. At the least it presumes that both parents are interested in the well-being of their child. If this is the case, the Filiation Law protects the child's relations to both parents.
In abusive relationships, however, the private agreement the law has in mind and demands cannot be reached. On the one side is the abuser, on the other side the victim. In such relationships decisions are made in the context of power/ violence and subordination. The abuser lacks the ability and willingness to come to an agreement. The woman clearly wants to get out of the abusive relationship, thus coercive behavior and violence increases. Children are often used to put pressure on the woman. Here especially the abuser lacks the ability to see the child's interest and act accordingly.
Important decisions concerning the child are delayed endlessly to punish the woman. When the abuser picks up the child for a visit, he uses the contact to put pressure on the woman. Often during these meetings the abuser again becomes violent. The children are again confronted with abusive behavior and forced to "function" within the destructive family system they had left behind. Again they are forced to witness their mother's helplessness and are subjected to their father's violence.
In BORA Women's Shelter we had fathers take advantage of their visiting rights and abduct the child. We saw women losing their courage, we had women return to their husband/ boyfriend to be better able to control the father's access to their children.
Much of the staff's time and is devoted to the discussion of how to make to the Youth Welfare Office or the courts better understand the situation of women and children in abusive relationships, how an agreement on visiting rights can be put into practice, and how children can be protected from violence.
Here eventually the work of the shelter staff for and with mothers and children often proves ineffective. We must educate the public that current law, especially filiation law, needs to be modified in regards to violent relationships:
In a situation of domestic violence the safety of the children and of the responsible parent, usually the mother, must have utmost priority. Traumatic experiences for the child must be avoided by all means!
In BORA Women's Shelter one specific staff member trained in child education is assigned to each kid. This staff member is responsible for the child as long as s/he stays in the shelter, she cares for her/him and keeps close contact with the mother.
During at least four afternoons of the week supervised group activities for kids of each age group take place. There the children find friends, get to know everyday life in the shelter, forget their troubles, and have fun.
Children from diverse cultural backgrounds live in the shelter. The staff takes great interest in the children's daily life and encourages them to share their different cultural and family backgrounds with the group. Here the children learn of the diverse life-styles, languages, holidays, and songs of different cultures which are all honored equally. They also learn that other children, too, experienced violence in their families, and that violence is nowhere acceptable.
The main focus of the counseling session is on "conflict work".
Violence as a solution to conflicts among the children is not tolerated. When children become violent their behavior is discussed in context with the abusive behavior in their family. The counselors present to the children ways of solving conflict with non-violent means based on reconciliation, agreements and mutual respect.
Children can also talk to counselors individually, and sometimes they are more likely to express personal fears and distress in one-on-one sessions.
The staff discusses questions of child-raising with the mothers. They help the mothers to better understand what their kids are going through.
The BORA shelter staff offers assistance when there are problems with child custody and visiting rights, with alimony and child benefit claims. Also they help the children to get used to new schools and day-care centers, and with planning and preparing for the children's holidays as well as with finding the right club or recreational activities. (Books and games can be checked out in the kids' area).
Since the enactment of the new Filiation Law ("Kindschaftsrechts") questions of child custody and visiting rights have become a main focus of the work in the BORA Women's Shelter.
The new law makes it harder for the mother to be granted sole custody to her children. The law is based on the premise of the child's right to relations with both parents. Thus in divorce or separation cases joint custody as a rule is to be continued. But even when the abusive father is declared unfit to care for the child and the court grants the mother sole custody, this often means generous visiting rights for the father.
The new law presupposes the parents' ability and willingness to come to a mutual, private agreement and take mutual responsibility for the good of their child. At the least it presumes that both parents are interested in the well-being of their child. If this is the case, the Filiation Law protects the child's relations to both parents.
In abusive relationships, however, the private agreement the law has in mind and demands cannot be reached. On the one side is the abuser, on the other side the victim. In such relationships decisions are made in the context of power/ violence and subordination. The abuser lacks the ability and willingness to come to an agreement. The woman clearly wants to get out of the abusive relationship, thus coercive behavior and violence increases. Children are often used to put pressure on the woman. Here especially the abuser lacks the ability to see the child's interest and act accordingly.
Important decisions concerning the child are delayed endlessly to punish the woman. When the abuser picks up the child for a visit, he uses the contact to put pressure on the woman. Often during these meetings the abuser again becomes violent. The children are again confronted with abusive behavior and forced to "function" within the destructive family system they had left behind. Again they are forced to witness their mother's helplessness and are subjected to their father's violence.
In BORA Women's Shelter we had fathers take advantage of their visiting rights and abduct the child. We saw women losing their courage, we had women return to their husband/ boyfriend to be better able to control the father's access to their children.
Much of the staff's time and is devoted to the discussion of how to make to the Youth Welfare Office or the courts better understand the situation of women and children in abusive relationships, how an agreement on visiting rights can be put into practice, and how children can be protected from violence.
Here eventually the work of the shelter staff for and with mothers and children often proves ineffective. We must educate the public that current law, especially filiation law, needs to be modified in regards to violent relationships:
In a situation of domestic violence the safety of the children and of the responsible parent, usually the mother, must have utmost priority. Traumatic experiences for the child must be avoided by all means!